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Outline/Thesis Week Two

1116 words - 5 pages

Welcome to WritePoint, the automated review system that recognizes errors most commonly made by university students in academic essays. The system embeds comments into your paper and suggests possible changes in grammar and style. Please evaluate each comment carefully to ensure that the suggested change is appropriate for your paper, but remember that your instructor's preferences for style and format prevail. You will also need to review your own citations and references since WritePoint capability in this area is limited. NOTE: WritePoint comments are computer-generated writing and grammar suggestions inviting the consideration and analysis of the writer; they are not infallible ...view middle of the document...

Reconsider the sentence using "possessing," "acquiring," "developing," etc. Often "having" can simply be deleted] good credit also protects you [second person] from being [Doctoral rule (but good advice for any academic writer)--If not a noun (as in "human being"), the word "Being" is hard to imagine; it means "existing." Try to rewrite this without using "being"--with action words like "attending," "working," "living," "experiencing," simply "as"--or even removing "being" completely] given [The passive voice is a form of "be" (being) and a participle (given). Over-use of the passive voice can make paragraphs officious and tedious to read. Try to use the active voice most often; for example, passive voice = The paper was completed on time. Active voice = the student completed the paper on time--See Center for Writing Excellence > Tutorials & Guides > Grammar & Writing Guides > Active & passive voice] a high interest rates and down payments.
D. It also teaches good money management and the responsibility of having a credit card.

II. Credit cards are an indisputable fact of life and [A run-on sentence requires a comma before "and" (or other conjunction) linking main clauses] they are [Run-on sentence: place comma before "and"] many reasons of having them.
A. College credit cards are credit cards that have been especially designed [Passive voice ] for college students.
B. It allows students to benefit from the usage [Check spelling: "Usage" refers primarily to legal procedures or grammar; most writing situations call for "use"] of credit at an earlier stage in their life [Use "lives"] .
C. 70% [A numeral to start a sentence is inappropriate in academic writing--write out the number or restructure the sentence] of college students who obtain their first credit card keep them long after college.

III. Allowing students to obtain a since [Check word choice--"Since" is more precise in referring to time ("after that"); otherwise use "because"] of financial responsibility
A. Teaching students how to use credit cards responsibly now ["Now" is a difficult word. Because this is being read some time after you wrote it, "now" is ambiguous--do you mean at the time you were writing? When was that? If you mean "as of the present time" (Since the revolution, George is now king), you can simply leave out "now" = Since the revolution, George is king. If the time or date is important, fill it in] can save them from debt later.
B. ...

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