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Revision Letter Essay

919 words - 4 pages

Dear Professor Dockter,
The essay that I have chosen to revise for assignment #4 is the profile essay. In this particular essay, the objective of the writer was successfully interviewing and presenting a member of a community. A member is a small part of an identity to the community. The community I selected was the Pascua Yaqui Tribe, and the specific member was Daniel Vega, a director of the language and culture department.
In revising this essay, I feel that a principal global factor that the paper lacked was organization. Organization is a key component that molds an essay. According to Rules for Writers, “these patterns (sometimes called methods of development) have different ...view middle of the document...

The reader relies on the paper to flow from idea to idea and not shift from ideas abruptly without explaining the details. In Rules for Writers, it explains, “coherence suffers whenever a draft shifts confusingly from one point of view to another” (64). This occurred in my paper and lacked the appropriate details within appropriate sections. For example, in the fifth paragraph, I was focusing on his decision to stay within the community. Using his skills that he learned and applied to better his community, and abruptly brought in a thought about elders, which was not linking ideas very clearly. There was not a transition to introduce the next idea, in other words losing the effectiveness and losing the attention of the readers. The reason for this change is that it will assist the readers experience for this essay, it will help them understand clearly what I am trying to convey. The purpose of this essay is to introduce a member of a community and in a way, explain how they represent that community because they are a part of that identity of a community.
The last aspect that I will be focusing on in the revision is the sentence structure. Sentence structure is essential within any essay, especially in a profile essay. In a profile essay, the writer’s objective is to construct the essay and build it so it reflects upon the person who it is about. With every sentence, the reader is able to feel the character and is able to know the essence of that character. One example is in Rules for Writers, “a writer should not rely too heavily on simple sentences and compound sentences, for the effect tends to be both monotonous and choppy” (153), it is the way that you...

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